THE LAST LUNCH

Jesus had the Last Supper. Easter Sunday I had the Last Lunch. Three weeks ago when I discovered that I would have to sell my left kidney to get a flight back to mum and dad's for Easter, I opted to stay in Sydney and have an Orphans' Easter Lunch. I did one a couple of years ago and it was quite enjoyable. I had six close friends (who had nowhere else to go for Easter Sunday) over for a roast meal. It was fun and I thought to myself it has been a while since I've had soiree at the Dulwich Hill Hilton, it was time for another one.

So invites were sent forthwith via electronic means to approximately 14 homosexuals and one straight couple. I should have heard disaster knocking on the door then. In fact it didn't knock, it walked straight through stained glass screaming, are you out of your mind? 12 invitees responded in the affirmative including 10 homosexuals. I asked disaster to sit down and fasten its seatbelt. Not even Margot Channing could prepare herself for a ride like this.

Preparing was the easy part. Easter is all about blood, guts and white linen. The culinary answer to that is to kill a young animal and throw it in the oven. I chose lamb. I had so many guests coming I would require a herd of them. I picked up three legs of lamb Thursday night. I'd rather have too much than too little, although in retrospect, two legs were more than enough for persons who generally baulk at anything involving a carbohydrate.

On the Saturday I drove down to Dulwich Village and fought my way through people who looked like they were preparing for some sort of invasion. Why do westerners in preparation for events involving the killing of Christ seem to shop as if they are about to be killed themselves? Wandering through my local IGA was akin to witnessing the Moscow food shortage crisis in the 90s. Empty shelves, people running around with trolleys grabbing anything that was left behind and cashiers with no coinage or facial expression. I was lucky to grab that last tub of ricotta for the potato bake.

After buying a paddock of vegetables from the hottest Sicilian Grocer in town (he's absolutely piping), arguing with Mrs Lopez about my parking in the guest carpark in my block (God I wish someone would crucify her), I made it back into my kitchen. It was time to start deboning the lambs. I forgot to get this done by the butcher on Thursday and thought I would do it myself. I asked Dad how to do it and he said it was quite simple……like cutting the core out of an apple. I agreed. It wasn't until I was a third of the way into deboning the first leg of lamb that I realised I have never cut the core out of an apple. I think I've eaten no more than three or four apples in my life! I hate apples and I certainly have not de-cored them. Add to the fact that the leg of a lamb is nothing like that of a core of an apple. Are you on drugs father? I looked at the open wound of meat lying in front of me….I could almost hear it begging me to stop….and decided that it was best to take it to a professional. I jumped back in the car and took the other two legs and what was left of the first leg, back down to my local butcher. He always speaks Greek to me and I nod back. It could be the perfect relationship. Lamb and removed bones in hand, I returned to my apartment where I commenced making stuffing, marinating, drinking, cutting vegetables, marinating, drinking…………and drinking. Did I mention drinking?

Guest 6 was the first to arrive on the Sunday closely followed by Guests 7 and 8. Guest 6 I had known for about 12 mths and was a recent arrival to Sydney. Gorgeous looking guy with matinee idol looks but unfortunately at times the social grace of a 13 year old boy. Still he had a good heart and no one else to spend Easter with; he was thus a perfect candidate for my lunch. Guests 7 and 8 both made grand entrances declaring the lunch a victory even before knife was put to fork. These two were always the perfect candidates for a lunch. Guest 6 waisted no time in getting chit chat under way when he launched into his story about an orgy he'd had with two Turkish men the night before. This was hardly the conversation one expects at a dinner celebrating Christ's ascension. As he described width, length, circumferences and miles per hour, Guests 7 and 8 looked on in a polite manner as if they were just hearing about the latest recipe for scons. I began peeling potatoes. Guest 6 continued describing apendages. Guest 8 requested his bottle of wine. I obliged. As I opened the bottle of merlot and Guest 6 described where the apendages were placed, I could feel Guest 7's cocked left eyebrow burning a question mark into my neck. I had to throw water on Guest 6 or get him fixed. I needed to find something for him to do.

" Now [Guest 6] we can't talk about group relations today, I'm wearing pastels. Come to the kitchen and help me cut carrots," of which I had four. I had totally forgotten to purchase a bag and would now have to ration them amongst the broccoli. I put Guest 6 off orgis and on to the chopping board. Guests 7 and 8 flooded with relief, filled their goblets to the brim and adjourned immediately to the balcony for a cigarette.
I joined them.

Guest 7 : So have you asked the Turkish couple?
Me: Not yet
Guest 8: Perhaps they could be the dessert.
Guest 7: I wonder if they can be re-heated
Me: Are they microwavable?

Guests 1 and 3 arrived with two boxes of alcohol. It appeared Guest 1 had already drunk one of the boxes. He was swaying like a sailor and as a result so were my wine glasses. He broke two by the time we sat down for lunch. Guests 11 and 12 (the only straight couple) arrived with a tart, Guests 2 and 4 with more alcohol and Guest 9 with a book....I still haven't worked out why.

All guests appeared a little stunned by the amount of food they were confronted with. I had five carrots but enough lamb to feed Israel. We all sat down around the table and one of the guests led the lord's prayer. It was a funny sight to see 10 homosexuals (+ straight couple : honorary homosexuals) reciting Our Father Who Aren't In Heaven. …….but it was nice, super to have 12 of my closest and dearest friends around the one table….even if the table could only technically seat six. We continued to eat but mainly drink and drink and drink. Two of the guests had prepared copies of the videocam of The Britney's doing the Mardi Gras parade. We all sat in the lounge room and watched that. It is such a good video and took me straight back to Mardi Gras night…….sigh……we had such a good time. Ok I promise not to mention Britney for the next month.

The Trifle After The Trifle

Guest 5 had made one his famous trifles…..famous because I think that's the only thing we've ever seen him make. We all tucked into that and I started to make G & Ts for Guest 10 and myself and vodka spritzers for everyone else. This is when things started to go slightly pair shaped. Up until then, proceedings had gone remarkably well. I was slightly worried about the gathering as I had five guests in particular where there was a "history" to say the least. Guest 1, Guest 2, Guest 3 and Guest 4 and Guest 5. Guest 1 went out with Guest 2 about four years ago. They went out for about two years.(and now changing to present tense….) During their two year relationship, Guest 1 has an affair with Guest 3 for 18 months. Guest 1 eventually ends the relationship with Guest 2 and starts going out with Guest 3. They are still together. Guest 2 is never aware of any affair between Guest 1 and Guest 3. Guest 1 and Guest 2 remain on good terms for about 12 months after the relationship. He has met Guest 3 and is on good terms with him. This is until Guest 2 and Guest 1 have a bender one Saturday night and after a few thousand Kardonays tells Guest 2 everything…..guilt is a terrible thing; it always sneaks up on you the least you expect it. Naturally Guest 1's confession does not go over that well with Guest 2 and they don't speak for just over a year. Meanwhile around that time I meet Guest 5 on a flight back from Christchurch. Guest 5 is living with Guest 2 at the time. They have been best friends since school days. In fact Guest 5 grudgingly had to assist in covering up Guest 1's affair with Guest 3. Guest 1 tried to end it a number of times with Guest 3 but Guest 3 refused to accept it. Guest 5 on occasion had to go down to Guest 3 sitting in his car crying outside Guest 3 & 5's house and ask him to leave. Guest 5 finds the whole cover up experience very upsetting as he has actually started to become quite good friends with Guest 2.

Guest 5 and myself hit it off on the plane trip back from Christchurch. There is certainly chemistry there that neither of us can deny but we're both in relationships at the time and not in a position to act on it (ok we had a couple of pashes). We do however keep in touch. In the dying days of my last relationship, my partner and I spend literally the entire 2006 Mardi Gras weekend at Manacle (RIP…will it ever be back?). During that weekend I bump into Guest 5 and Guest 2 who since the revelation of Guest 1's affair with Guest 3 have become good friends. I immediately hit it off with Guest 2. He is witty, hilarious ….as Judy always says….."one of us". As for Guest 5…….that chemistry doesn't seem to be going away. The three of us start hanging out together a lot. In fact Guest 2 and I become very close friends. Guest 5 and I are lost somewhere between friends and lovers. Both my and Guest 5's respective relationships end in the August of 2006 and we commence an affair which in all honesty had been occurring for the previous 5 months ….just unconsummated. During our affair it feels like a disaster. It is continually on and off. A typical rebound affair. I am an absolute yo yo..it is hell. In retrospect, it was some tough medicine we had to take…….it actually helped a great deal in getting us both over our respective relationships. During that time I meet and get to know both Guest 1 and Guest 3. I click quite well with Guest 1. He is louder and bigger than me and Guest 3 is a lot like my previous boyfriends…..polite, kind, intense..... and quiet.

After about three months, Guest 5 and myself finally end our fling and move on to friendship quite smoothly. We are still very close and I count him as one of my best friends. During that time as well Guest 2 admirably lets bygones be bygones and re-ignites his friendship with Guest 1. This is something I admire about Guest 2: he doesn't hold grudges. In the last year, Guests 2, 5 and myself have hang out a lot together and forge strong friendships……..resulting obviously in this Easter Lunch. There are no more walls between Guest 1 and Guest 2 and so we see more of Guest 1….not all the time because Guest 3 works a great deal running his own business ..and Guest 1 prefers not to go out without him.

Then in October of last year Guest 2 meets Guest 4; an amazingly eccentric uber intelligent guy. He is definitely "one of us" and fits in immediately with the group. Strangely then Guest 1's interest in Guest 2 seems to increase. He wants to hang out with Guest 2 all the time, continually calling him. Guest 2 kinder finds it strange that suddenly now that he is seeing someone that Guest 1 wants to see him all constantly……….but Guest 2 always says 'Bygones….'…..he doesn't think about it much and enjoys Guest 4; he's moved on.

Meanwhile post 2008 Mardi-gras party back at Guest 1's place, following Guest 2 and 4's departure, Guest 1 bursts into tears about how much guilt he feels regarding Guest 2. Guest 5 and myself are a little stunned …mainly because we've just been dancing for 9 hours and really don't feel like a Dr Phil moment. Guest 1 keeps balling telling the whole story (one I've never totally heard in full). He says it's all come to the fore because he can finally see that Guest 2 is happy (and has moved on). I suggest to Guest 1 that this is a good thing; he is finally letting go and getting over the guilt...and moving to the next level....I desperately try to find another bottle of wine....at ten in the morning!

Relations for obvious reasons between Guest 3 and Guests 2 and 5 are not exactly dandy either. When Guests 2 and 4 were over visiting Guest 1 at his house two weeks ago, Guest 2 jokes to Guest 3 that it is after 9pm shouldn't he have his pj's on……a reference to the fact that Guest 3 goes to bed with the chooks and gets up with them; which is the case; he runs a full on business; he has to. This joke doesn't go down well with Guest 3 and he storms off to bed. Guest 5 jokes to Guest 3 on another occasion that he needs to get out on more when Guest 1 confesses that Guest 3 doesn't want to go overseas with him. Guest 3 doesn't talk to Guest 5 for three weeks. As you can see, these are complicated people. Why not ask them all to an Easter Lunch?

In all honesty my biggest concern for Easter Lunch was probably Guest 3 being offended or him and Guest 2 having words. In hindsight, they were the best behaved. Guest 3 was fantastic, helping me serve lunch, dessert and generally just being in good form. It made me realise that I'd only ever heard bad things second hand about Guest 3, never witnessed them directly. We both get on pretty well………not to mention, he's quite handsome……not that I would ever ever go there. Are you mad?

So heading back to past tense.....

So it started going to pot after the trifle; we progressed out on to the balcony for chain smoking and vodka. Guest 1 well and truly making progress into his third bottle of wine swung around and turned to Guest 2.

"So it looks like John and [Guest 2] are good enough for the movies but I'm not hey?" On paper those words seem harmless enough but in reality the way Guest 1 spat them out, they were like bullets over Gaza. At first I didn't know what he was talking about. Guest 2 was of the same mind.
"What?" said Guest 2 appearing a little confused as to the nature of Guest 1's question.
" I was with [Guest 5] when you asked him to the movies….. I was waiting for my invitation." It was true Guest 2 had invited Guest 5 and myself to the movies the night before. I couldn't go as I was up to my elbows in lamb marrow. Guest 5 declined as well.
"I'm sorry ….to be honest I didn't think of you. I thought you would have had plans with [Guest 3]". Guest 2 kept himself very tidy and calm. Thank god he'd been the only one out of us who had not been drinking.
"Bullshit. You never include me. It's always John and [Guest 5]. You never include me!" This was unfair. Not only was Guest 1 ruining a perfectly pleasant afternoon, he was being very cruel to Guest 2. He had broken Guest 2's heart then dowsed him in humiliation…….now this! It was so juvenile. Guest 1 continued his tirade. Other guests looked at me awkwardly as if someone was throwing up in the parlour but were too scared to do anything about it for fear the press may take a photo.

Everyone continued to chain smoke whilst I fell into a valley of regret over the guest list. The trifle curdled in my pancreas. I should have just left Guests 1 and 3 at home and instead asked the two homosexuals who live across in the apartment opposite mine. I should be making more of an effort with them. Mind you after the performance they saw on my front balcony that Sunday afternoon, they will probably never want to come near a dinner party of mine. Guest 1 broke his third wine glass for the afternoon. Not only was he breaking friendships, he was breaking my entire wine glass collection.

"Sorry darl," he slurred.
"That's alright honey…..I'll just go get the dust pan"
"And another thing Trev…." Good god he was not drawing breath. Trev was standing there like a demented bird waiting for its head to be chopped off. I ran into the kitchen. It was a good chance to get off that raddy balcony. Everyone else followed suit. We all had to escape.
Guest 3 approached me in the kitchen, " Am so sorry John. Let me clean up."
"You need to go shut your boyfriend up"
"I think I would be better at the cleaning up."
"Thanks. Can we give him those plastic wine glasses? I'd like some glassware left in tact."
I stage exited out to the back balcony to have a wine and cigarette on my own.
"Hello dear," Guest Nine slurred still holding that book.
Me : Hi love it's all going pair shaped
Guest 9: don't be silly....ur doing a fabulous job. Each word rolled into the next like waves on a beach. He was completely oblivious.He could have been going down with the Titanic yet still remarking at what a wonderful evening it was.
Me : It's a complete disaster. Anyway am glad you're having a nice time
Guest 9 (grabbing me by the collar): Don't worry Johnny.....I'm here. Yes he really said that.Then he kissed me on the cheek. Not a funny mwa mwa fake fag kiss....a kinder "there is something else that's gonna follow" kiss. This was not helping my pancreas with the trifle. I lit my cigarette and moved precariously to the other side of the balcony. Guest 1's tirade inside was suddenly becoming more appealing.
Guest 9: You could have had me any time...you could still have me. This was worst than Dynasty. Bad scripts, bad hair and bad acting.What was in the wine? Was it the lamb stuffing?
Guest 2: Doll I'm going. Thank god....not Thank God he was leaving but thank god he stopped Crystal Carrington from having his way with me
Me: Doll I'm so sorry.....he (guest 1) shouldn't drink
Guest 2: Doll it's alright...he's demented. He' s started on [Guest 11] now. We heard another wine glass drop.
Me: I really need to find those plastic cups
Guest 2: Perhaps a straight jacket might be better

I walked Guest 2 and Guest 4 to their car, took a deep breath and headed back into the fire. It was completely ablaze . It appeared that Guest 1 was blaming the entire era of British Colonial rule on Guest 11 due to the fact that she was British. Made sense. I fixed myself a scotch and went to the bathroom. I had another party to go to. It was Matt's 36th at Redfern.Was it wrong to leave your own lunch? I heard another glass smash. I didn't care if it was wrong. This was my last lunch. And I had enough. I had a shower, shaved and moisturised. I then went to my room and got dressed . Guest 9 was passed out on my bed. I tucked him in, left him a note advising where he was and how to get out. I put on my shirt of choice....one I picked up in Bangkok in December....bright pink... with the words "LEAVE ME ALONE" emblazzened across its front. I walked back through the blaze, threw Guest 5 my keys, "Don't forget to lock up," and closed my front door behind me. You could have heard a pin drop......instead I heard another wine glass.

A BELATED HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE