Waiting For Frenchi

Unlike the last couple of years, Sydney this year is definitely getting a hot summer. Today it reached 42 degrees in the Hills of Dulwich. It was so hot I found myself at Bing Lee (electrical store) battling 5000 others to buy an air conditioner. Unfortunately the 4999 got there before me and took all the remaining 4999 air conditioners. I then almost found myself buying a new plasma screen simply just to spend more time in the air conditioning. The keen attendant discounted 100 bucks off the item within the first three minutes and I found myself reaching for my credit card. Thankfully I escaped just in time! I really didn’t want to be faced with installing a new television in 40 degree temperatures.

I then went back to my flat which seemed to be emitting its own radiation. Everything was hot…..the couch, the bed, the tiles…..the plants. I hate heat like this….there is no relief. I attempted to have an afternoon sleep of two hours. I felt like I was sleeping on hot-rocks.

Judy and I were supposed to be going out tonight but when the southerly breezes started coming and cooling the surrounds by about 20 degrees, I immediately became lethargic….so we have postponed….perhaps tomorrow night. I haven’t really been going out much at all this summer. I haven’t really had a “big one” out since I got back from London. I am however quite restless….

For the last three weeks I’ve been on a pretty strict diet and exercise routine. Am afraid I have ballooned over the last three months; with my UK trip, Norfolk trip and Xmas festivities there has been little time or enthusiasm for exercise and I’ve managed to put on ten kgs. I love my body…continually preparing for the next ice age. So it’s been low carbs, protein rich foods and salads……..and running every day. I abhor exercise but I just have to do it. I hate being this size….my face blows up and I start having to wear clothes that look like curtains. I just wish I could have my brother’s metabolism…..he eats everything, never exercises and always remains 77 kgs. Where was I that day those genes were being handed out?

Frenchi (the boy who I met in London) is arriving in just over 5 weeks. He’s coming for ten days and will be here for Mardi Gras and all the festivities. I guess I still really haven’t explained much of what happened between us while I was in London. Nothing a lot to tell really except that we had quite a lovely holiday romance (I’ve never had one before) and I really do quite like him. He’s very smart, witty and quite successful…not that ‘that’ matters. Most of all he’s quite a gentle, kind and romantic fellow. And that is something I haven’t had for a while. He really did make my holiday.

The logical side of me was quite happy to leave it as a holiday affair; I’ve always liked the idea of a holiday affair; there is a clear beginning, middle and by reasons of geography; end. No one gets hurt and we have the pleasant memories to look back on. But he kept calling me when I arrived back to Australia and we remained in continual email contact. And we decided he should come for a visit. It’s very exciting.

He’s very romantic and makes me comfortable at reciprocating that romance. Something in the past I’ve either not had the maturity or the confidence to do. I guess I’ve always been a closet romantic but thought it was a weakness to show that side. Frenchi has changed that. I’ve never sent a lover roses or poetry in my life until now!

So in a sense….the last couple of months have been wonderful. Even if he is on the other side of the world….it’s nice to receive phone-calls, text and emails from someone who is thinking of you.

But it’s also been hard. I’m just not very good at this; hence why I rarely do it. My last relationship was about two years ago and was to say the least very traumatic. The guy was completely wrong from the beginning but for reasons of pride, insecurity and wanting to make it work, I endeavoured ….much to my friends’ horror. I then rebounded into an affair with a friend which was also equally torturous. After that I decided I just didn’t want to see anyone for a while. I was tired of the heartbreak and drama. There have been two or three flings over the last couple of years but I’ve pretty much seen danger and jumped ship before any harm could be done. In a sense I had closed that door on finding a special one…for the time being anyway.

And then Frenchi came along. It’s been wonderful but for me it’s also like opening a Pandora’s box. Suddenly I feel needy again and it plays on all my deep-rooted insecurities. As much as people can’t believe it, I am not a very confident person. Yes I’m good at making an entrance, putting on a show and being the life of the party but deep down, I’m that terrified little fat boy arriving at his first day of school fully expecting no one to like him. And in matters of the heart I guess I’m always that little boy….always expecting that no matter how sweet someone is to me, they will eventually reject me. It’s fucked up I know and I kept hoping as I got older that these insecurities would disappear but they’re with me for life… I just have to learn to keep them at bay.

And up until this month I had. I had been Mr Cool Banana: witty texts, passionate romance and back and forth phone calls; in fact he called all the time. It was fantastic. I was fine. Then this month the phone-calls weren’t as frequent; perhaps something to do with the 300 pound ($AuD 650) phone bill he received ).I of course didn’t interpret it that way. Then he called me a couple of weeks ago saying that he mightn’t be able to come as long as he originally thought…three weeks….due to work commitments. This sent me into melt down. You swear to god he had just said to me it was over and he didn’t want to come. I tried to keep these paranoid thoughts at bay but of course I couldn’t. This resulted in a number of ‘needy’ phone-calls from me stating that if he really didn’t want to come, that was fine and not to worry about it (which of course was the exact opposite to the way I felt). He laughed the first couple of times and the final time just said “stop worrying! I’m coming!” The flights have been booked. But I HATE feeling this way….I hate being the needy one. And I guess I just worry that he will find this side of me a little scary and disappear. But as he said, I just have to stop worrying….in GENERAL!

The other part of the Pandora’s box is that when you do meet someone you quite like, you are reminded of how you would like someone in your life. Meeting Frenchi has done this. I’d forgotten that I actually would like to share my life with not just anyone but someone with whom I genuinely have affection. Before the UK I was quite content with my single life. I have great friends and I’m lucky that I live with my brother who is a great support to me. I’ve always thought that if I lived alone I would probably have found myself in some sort of disastrous live in relationship simply in an attempt not to feel lonely. Whereas having that close family support has helped me avoid such follies.

Sometimes with guys in the past, I’ve been more in love with the idea of them than with them. And in my last relationship this lead me down a particularly upsetting path. With Frenchi, I genuinely like him. We are as different as we are alike. And I like that.

A friend said to me the other day: Stop trying to control things; you can’t control this; what will happen WILL happen. Just enjoy it.

And she’s right. I just have to relax….and try to keep that little boy and all his fears at bay.

C

PS: I’m trying to work out from the noise next door whether my neighbours are shagging or being murdered.