Yesterday was nothing short of hideous.
Hideous people. Hideous matters. Hideous unnecessary stress. And hideous weather…..as I recall….it may have been a splendid looking day but it was greyed by my hideous experiences.
Got a phone call Monday afternoon from an assistant to one of my witnesses in a hearing I was to run yesterday advising that the said witness could not attend court as the said witness was on vacation. Time 11.15am :
Me : "Umm…..well how do you expect me to run that matter without a witness? I advised you guys of the Hearing date back in February."
Assistant: "Yes….I'm sorry….it appears we overlooked it."
Me: "It appears you did…..where is he?"
Assistant: "The Maldives."
Me: "Handy."
I hung up sounding more disgusted than I actually was. The truth of the matter was that I didn't particularly feel like doing a hearing the next day as I have quite a large callover list to prepare for next Tuesday. That was until I advised the registrar of the court that the matter would not be proceeding. I was under the impression that this particular defendant was not legally represented. I receive an email back from the registrar advising the following:
"Thanks for advising me. You might want to advise the defendant's solicitor ____________ (someone I've been against before in matters and don't particularly adore)" Lets call him Awful Horrid Man.
My heart sank; primarily because Awful Horrid Man (AHM) would be seeking costs for the vacation of a hearing at such short notice. I've been in this job for almost two years and I'm yet to have a costs order made against me. It's not the end of the world when it happens but at the same time, it makes the government branch for which I work, look a little unprofessional…even though technically we had done all that we could to make sure our witnesses were present on the day of the hearing.
I have worked alongside and against Awful Horrid Man in a number of matters through the court system over the past seven years. He resembles a cross between a hippopotamus and Oliver Cromwell with the latter's ego firmly in place.
He picks up his phone and barks his name out like his declaring war:
ME: Hi AHM, it's JC
AHM: Ah yes Mr C, I was wondering when you were going to call. I still haven't received a brief from you.
ME : Well I served one on your client quite some time ago.
AHM: But I'm acting in the matter. It's on the court record.
ME : Unfortunately the court has only just advised me of this. I was under the impression your client was self-represented.
AHM: Well my appearance was announced by my agent the last time the matter was before the court. This appears to be the case. Unfortunately the solicitor assisting me in the registrar's court that day had not noted his appearance. Great.
ME: Well you were obviously aware I was acting in this matter and you've never contacted me. In any event, the hearing cannot proceed tomorrow as I have just been advised by the office of my witness that he is away on vacation. There appears to be an oversight on their behalf as to his availability.
AHM then reacted as if I'd taken his client's first-born child and put it in the microwave. "Outrageous!" was followed by "Unprofessional!" followed by "My client is ready to proceed!" This was ironic considering AHM was just protesting that he was yet to receive the prosecution's Brief of Evidence……he was no more ready to proceed than my witness was going to give evidence via telephone from a beach in the Maldives with his file in one hand and a martini in the other. But he had the upper hand……I was of course the prosecution and technically because I'm the mug who lays the damned charges, I'm the one who is supposed to have his arse in gear ready to proceed. It is the common law system of justice after all………not a bush dance.
AHM: Well MR C I don't know about you but I will be in court tomorrow with my client ready to proceed.
I bet you are I thought. You want to pick up your 2 Grand in costs for a measly 2 min appearance.
ME: Look forward to it. See you then.
Which was polite telephone fodder for I'd rather eat dead horse hair.
Sigh.
I dragged myself to court the next morning. It's an hour's drive from my apartment to the particular court that this matter was being heard. It was raining most of the way and the traffic was bumper to bumper so there was plenty of time for me to attempt to come up with ingenious "costs order avoiding" excuses as to why the matter could not proceed:
Immediate Muteness: I could suddenly develop acute laryngitis as I walk in the court door which prevents me then from running the hearing….it will have to be adjourned for health reasons thereby avoiding a costs argument.
Hostage: The witness is actually being held hostage in the Maldives (by a large martini and it refuses to allow him to give evidence)
Death: The witness is dead. (he can never come back from the Maldives)
Traffic: The witness is caught in traffic and has been held up (by that martini and the Indian Ocean)
Insanity: The witness has since been declared insane and remains in a mental health facility in the Maldives. I wonder if I can join him.
Of course none of these excuses were going to work, as it would involve submitting lies to the court and as an officer of the court, I certainly cannot be seen to be uttering such falsehoods….not to mention that these excuses would most likely result in my commitment to a mental institution let alone a prison cell.
I entered court room number two ready to have my parade well and truly rained upon. And I wasn't disappointed. AHM was there dressed like a transvestial cockatoo (who wears canary yellow suit to court? Seriously?) doing everything to completely ignore me. Vomit. I'd heard a rumour outside that Magistrate Lady Marmalade was on the bench. My spirits were lifted slightly in that she always reserves costs judgments until matters are complete…..in other words my bargearse friend may not have been getting his costs order that day!
Those spirits were short lived as soon as Magistrate Lex Luther entered the bench (obviously not his real name: his resemblance to the cartoon character is quite extraordinary though). He sat down, asked for appearances, I gave mine, AHM gave his. Pleasantries were exchanged.
Magistrate Luther : Mr C is this matter to proceed?
ME: Well Your Honour, unfortunately I am without my witness. There appears to have been a misunderstanding and he is away on vacation this week in the Maldives. I was only advised of this by his office yesterday.
Luther: The Maldives? How nice of him……did he send a postcard? Perhaps I should return the favour by issuing him a warrant for his arrest.
ME (I'd thought costs…but I hadn't thought arrest warrants): Umm Your Honour I understand that when witnesses fail to appear in court, it is of great nuisance to the court but in this instance, I don't think an arrest warrant for a witness in a summary matter such as this is required. Your Honour I would seek that the matter be adjourned for a further hearing date. (hoping that he would forget the idea quickly)
Luther: Would you now Mr C? I'm tired of my court being held up by lazy prosecution witnesses who have a blatant disregard for when they are required to be in court. Mr AHM what do you have to say?
Well of course AHM addressed his nutty honour as if he were addressing god …. how he had to miss the funeral of a dear friend to attend today's hearing…bla bla.…….if the friend was so damned dear, why didn't he ring me to have the hearing moved? Pig's bum. The sign of a superb advocate is his ability to bullshit like no other and make it entirely believable, which AHM did. His client does not have any money, he said, after losing all of it in his failed business (we suspect he still has money alright….money which he has funnelled out of his 'failed' business into another business avoiding his tax and credit obligations on the way). Unfortunately for me though, it never looks great when you are prosecuting someone who appears on the surface to be on hard times and your star witness fails to appear because he is not only on holidays but is in the 5 star playground that is the Maldives.
So I went down. His Luther Honour didn't dismiss the charges, he adjourned the hearing but gave me a whopping costs order which I had the thrill of giving to my boss this morning. Yay! Go my bonus for this year!
Driving back from the court, my car's radiator hose decided to blow bringing the car and most of the mid-morning traffic to a halt. There was steam, water, oil and embarrassment everywhere. I didn't give a shit. All I could see about a k away was the classic neon signs of KFC. After the morning I'd had I needed grease….the finger licking kind. I called the NRMA (breakdown service). They said they would be two hours. Perfect I thought. I pushed the car off the road; I locked it and made my way to those bright neon lights. I walked in, smelt the sweet anti-septic of the wet napkins mixed with the fragrance of fresh coleslaw and I knew I was home. I had not entered the hallowed halls of Colonel Sanders in over two years……it was time dammit! Like a junkie reaching for the needles, I made my way to the counter and ordered a bucket of original recipe. I sat down, looked out the window and much to my amusement I saw AHM in his 100k new Mercedes benz smashed right into the back of a pick-up truck with the words NRMA marked on it…….parked… right… next… to… my... car.
Finger Licking Good
C
PS
And yes I ate the entire bucket.
Hideous people. Hideous matters. Hideous unnecessary stress. And hideous weather…..as I recall….it may have been a splendid looking day but it was greyed by my hideous experiences.
Got a phone call Monday afternoon from an assistant to one of my witnesses in a hearing I was to run yesterday advising that the said witness could not attend court as the said witness was on vacation. Time 11.15am :
Me : "Umm…..well how do you expect me to run that matter without a witness? I advised you guys of the Hearing date back in February."
Assistant: "Yes….I'm sorry….it appears we overlooked it."
Me: "It appears you did…..where is he?"
Assistant: "The Maldives."
Me: "Handy."
I hung up sounding more disgusted than I actually was. The truth of the matter was that I didn't particularly feel like doing a hearing the next day as I have quite a large callover list to prepare for next Tuesday. That was until I advised the registrar of the court that the matter would not be proceeding. I was under the impression that this particular defendant was not legally represented. I receive an email back from the registrar advising the following:
"Thanks for advising me. You might want to advise the defendant's solicitor ____________ (someone I've been against before in matters and don't particularly adore)" Lets call him Awful Horrid Man.
My heart sank; primarily because Awful Horrid Man (AHM) would be seeking costs for the vacation of a hearing at such short notice. I've been in this job for almost two years and I'm yet to have a costs order made against me. It's not the end of the world when it happens but at the same time, it makes the government branch for which I work, look a little unprofessional…even though technically we had done all that we could to make sure our witnesses were present on the day of the hearing.
I have worked alongside and against Awful Horrid Man in a number of matters through the court system over the past seven years. He resembles a cross between a hippopotamus and Oliver Cromwell with the latter's ego firmly in place.
He picks up his phone and barks his name out like his declaring war:
ME: Hi AHM, it's JC
AHM: Ah yes Mr C, I was wondering when you were going to call. I still haven't received a brief from you.
ME : Well I served one on your client quite some time ago.
AHM: But I'm acting in the matter. It's on the court record.
ME : Unfortunately the court has only just advised me of this. I was under the impression your client was self-represented.
AHM: Well my appearance was announced by my agent the last time the matter was before the court. This appears to be the case. Unfortunately the solicitor assisting me in the registrar's court that day had not noted his appearance. Great.
ME: Well you were obviously aware I was acting in this matter and you've never contacted me. In any event, the hearing cannot proceed tomorrow as I have just been advised by the office of my witness that he is away on vacation. There appears to be an oversight on their behalf as to his availability.
AHM then reacted as if I'd taken his client's first-born child and put it in the microwave. "Outrageous!" was followed by "Unprofessional!" followed by "My client is ready to proceed!" This was ironic considering AHM was just protesting that he was yet to receive the prosecution's Brief of Evidence……he was no more ready to proceed than my witness was going to give evidence via telephone from a beach in the Maldives with his file in one hand and a martini in the other. But he had the upper hand……I was of course the prosecution and technically because I'm the mug who lays the damned charges, I'm the one who is supposed to have his arse in gear ready to proceed. It is the common law system of justice after all………not a bush dance.
AHM: Well MR C I don't know about you but I will be in court tomorrow with my client ready to proceed.
I bet you are I thought. You want to pick up your 2 Grand in costs for a measly 2 min appearance.
ME: Look forward to it. See you then.
Which was polite telephone fodder for I'd rather eat dead horse hair.
Sigh.
I dragged myself to court the next morning. It's an hour's drive from my apartment to the particular court that this matter was being heard. It was raining most of the way and the traffic was bumper to bumper so there was plenty of time for me to attempt to come up with ingenious "costs order avoiding" excuses as to why the matter could not proceed:
Immediate Muteness: I could suddenly develop acute laryngitis as I walk in the court door which prevents me then from running the hearing….it will have to be adjourned for health reasons thereby avoiding a costs argument.
Hostage: The witness is actually being held hostage in the Maldives (by a large martini and it refuses to allow him to give evidence)
Death: The witness is dead. (he can never come back from the Maldives)
Traffic: The witness is caught in traffic and has been held up (by that martini and the Indian Ocean)
Insanity: The witness has since been declared insane and remains in a mental health facility in the Maldives. I wonder if I can join him.
Of course none of these excuses were going to work, as it would involve submitting lies to the court and as an officer of the court, I certainly cannot be seen to be uttering such falsehoods….not to mention that these excuses would most likely result in my commitment to a mental institution let alone a prison cell.
I entered court room number two ready to have my parade well and truly rained upon. And I wasn't disappointed. AHM was there dressed like a transvestial cockatoo (who wears canary yellow suit to court? Seriously?) doing everything to completely ignore me. Vomit. I'd heard a rumour outside that Magistrate Lady Marmalade was on the bench. My spirits were lifted slightly in that she always reserves costs judgments until matters are complete…..in other words my bargearse friend may not have been getting his costs order that day!
Those spirits were short lived as soon as Magistrate Lex Luther entered the bench (obviously not his real name: his resemblance to the cartoon character is quite extraordinary though). He sat down, asked for appearances, I gave mine, AHM gave his. Pleasantries were exchanged.
Magistrate Luther : Mr C is this matter to proceed?
ME: Well Your Honour, unfortunately I am without my witness. There appears to have been a misunderstanding and he is away on vacation this week in the Maldives. I was only advised of this by his office yesterday.
Luther: The Maldives? How nice of him……did he send a postcard? Perhaps I should return the favour by issuing him a warrant for his arrest.
ME (I'd thought costs…but I hadn't thought arrest warrants): Umm Your Honour I understand that when witnesses fail to appear in court, it is of great nuisance to the court but in this instance, I don't think an arrest warrant for a witness in a summary matter such as this is required. Your Honour I would seek that the matter be adjourned for a further hearing date. (hoping that he would forget the idea quickly)
Luther: Would you now Mr C? I'm tired of my court being held up by lazy prosecution witnesses who have a blatant disregard for when they are required to be in court. Mr AHM what do you have to say?
Well of course AHM addressed his nutty honour as if he were addressing god …. how he had to miss the funeral of a dear friend to attend today's hearing…bla bla.…….if the friend was so damned dear, why didn't he ring me to have the hearing moved? Pig's bum. The sign of a superb advocate is his ability to bullshit like no other and make it entirely believable, which AHM did. His client does not have any money, he said, after losing all of it in his failed business (we suspect he still has money alright….money which he has funnelled out of his 'failed' business into another business avoiding his tax and credit obligations on the way). Unfortunately for me though, it never looks great when you are prosecuting someone who appears on the surface to be on hard times and your star witness fails to appear because he is not only on holidays but is in the 5 star playground that is the Maldives.
So I went down. His Luther Honour didn't dismiss the charges, he adjourned the hearing but gave me a whopping costs order which I had the thrill of giving to my boss this morning. Yay! Go my bonus for this year!
Driving back from the court, my car's radiator hose decided to blow bringing the car and most of the mid-morning traffic to a halt. There was steam, water, oil and embarrassment everywhere. I didn't give a shit. All I could see about a k away was the classic neon signs of KFC. After the morning I'd had I needed grease….the finger licking kind. I called the NRMA (breakdown service). They said they would be two hours. Perfect I thought. I pushed the car off the road; I locked it and made my way to those bright neon lights. I walked in, smelt the sweet anti-septic of the wet napkins mixed with the fragrance of fresh coleslaw and I knew I was home. I had not entered the hallowed halls of Colonel Sanders in over two years……it was time dammit! Like a junkie reaching for the needles, I made my way to the counter and ordered a bucket of original recipe. I sat down, looked out the window and much to my amusement I saw AHM in his 100k new Mercedes benz smashed right into the back of a pick-up truck with the words NRMA marked on it…….parked… right… next… to… my... car.
Finger Licking Good
C
PS
And yes I ate the entire bucket.
3 comments:
He who laughs last? Sweet.
Now that is Poetic Justice! I didn't see the twist coming, but was delighted none-the-less! There is nothing like KFC to pick you up when things aren't going well. Big greasy hug to ya!!!
Oh you poor bitch - what a horrible day (and week) it seems to have been for you. Glad to see some forces of good came out to balance things tho :-)
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