Last Saturday I finally used the tarot card reading voucher Bernice had given me for my birthday in November last year. I'm not really into clairvoyance or anything that involves reading the future. I'd rather have the future tell me herself than someone dressed in yee oldy worldy garb wearing black nails assisted by dry ice. I've only had one reading from a clairvoyant before and that was a friend of a friend who didn't charge a fee. In fact it was over a beer at Manacle one Friday night. Strangely his predictions have been pretty spot on. The whole experience though still leaves me a little cold……I'd just rather not know. As a result, I'd put this particular reading off and off and off until the voucher actually expired. I was quite happy to let it pass until Bernice rang and asked me why I hadn't used the voucher yet. The place I was to go and have the reading had actually called her advising the voucher had expired. So I was caught out. Bernice said she could get the voucher renewed but I would have to attend in the next week. She seemed pretty determined that I go. So grudgingly I rang and made my booking for 11.30am Saturday.
The tarot place was at Glebe about a 15 minute drive from where I live in the hills of Dulwich. I left home at around 11.30am thinking that would give me plenty of time. I get to Bridge road at Glebe and of course they are doing road works on three quarters of the road……so it is reduced to one lane going each way. 40 mins later I am still in traffic. Why oh why do they choose to do road works on main thoroughfares during the day is beyond me…particularly Saturday mid-morning when there is traffic everywhere. Very annoying!
I eventually make it to the tarot place 15 minutes late sweaty and exhausted having sprinted from my car. I wave my voucher at the receptionist and I'm taken into an area cordoned off by mauve satin and piped whale music. Here I am introduced to Claire. She is my tarot card reader for the morning. Claire is dressed in mauve satin as well....as is the table, the ceiling and the chairs. I'm feeling a little out of place in my white crushed linen and bisket pant.
ME: I'm so sorry I'm late. Bloody roadworks! And then of course I couldn't find a carpark…….my kingdom for a capark!
CLAIRE: Ok that's fine. That may affect my reading a little.
ME: Not being able to find a carpark?
CLAIRE: Yes…your being late.
ME: Oh I'm sorry.
It wasn't off to a great start. She hands me a deck of cards and asks me to shuffle them. I am hopeless at shuffling cards. Like my attempts of many basic human activities such as whistling, clicking my fingers, summersaults, cartwheels and shooting pool, the shuffling of cards has always been an activity I've greatly admired yet rarely commandeered. I start to freeze as soon as she hands me the deck.
ME: I'm afraid I'm not very good at this.
CLAIRE: Just breathe; you will be fine.
I fumble my way through an attempt, which basically involves me moving the back half of the deck to the front of the deck. It looks totally mong.
CLAIRE: Let me show you.
ME : Thanks
And as I have watched numerous times before particularly in my youth when I used to watch my grandmother play cards, I watch CLAIRE shuffle the cards making it look as easy as pie. She accompanies "just add water" style instructions whilst demonstrating. This makes me more anxious.
I pick up the cards and this time I go for broke. It predictably ends in disaster. The shuffle ends up with all the cards on the ground. To add insult to injury, my phone then rings. Ironically it's Bernice calling. I quickly switch it off. Claire glares at me through a fake glacial smile. The screaming whales in the background seem to make her look demonic and continue to increase my anxiety.
ME: I'm so sorry.
CLAIRE: Just remain calm. Breathe.
How can I with those whales screaming?
CLAIRE: Can I get you to pick up the cards and place them in a deck on the table?
I pick up the cards and rearrange them in a deck on the table. She picks them up and closes her eyes. She humms for a moment. I'm not quite sure what to do. Is she harmonising with the whales? She opens her eyes and looks straight at me.
CLAIRE: You work with your voice don't you? You use your voice?
ME: Yes
CLAIRE: Yes what do you do?
ME: I'm a lawyer
CLAIRE: Yes you are.
ME: Mmmmmm
She picks up the cards again. She re-shuffles them. She's very good at it. She hums again and I am concerned the whales are becoming louder.
CLAIRE: You work with your voice don't you?
ME: Yes (haven't we been here before?)
CLAIRE: You work in court all the time?
ME: Well not all the time....but yes I do appear in court.
CLAIRE: Please don't block my energy.
ME: Oh I'm sorry (what?)
CLAIRE: It's a very competitive environment where you work isn't it?
ME: Ummm (it couldn't be further from the truth)
CLAIRE : You're very stressed in your job aren't you?
ME: Ummm no not really.
CLAIRE: Please stop blocking me.
ME: I'm so sorry ..... I just... (she was completely wrong. I'm not stressed at work. If the place was any more laid back, it would be a morgue)
CLAIRE: You are ruining the channels of energy. Please take four cards.
ME: I wasn't meaning to. I'm so sorry.
She glares at me with a Stepford Wife smile. I pick my four cards and hope to hell that my channels of energy are open. The whales are stilling moaning. She puts her hands on the four cards and starts humming again.I wait with anticipation.
CLAIRE: There is something. There is something broken.
My shuffling skills?
ME: Ummm
CLAIRE: You used to be in music but you've drifted away from it.
ME: Sort of yes.
CLAIRE: And you've drifted away because something is wrong with your voice.
Finally something. She was spot on. In the last two years, I've lost the upper register of my voice. I used to be a strong baritone with an ability to tenor as well. But now all I have is hot air....literally.
ME: Yes ....I have nodules on my vocal chords.
At least I think I do. I've been too scared to get it checked out as I know it's at least a $10K operation to get it fixed if I do have them. About two years ago I went to sing a top C and nothing came out.....and nothing ever since has; no falsetto at all. Gone are the days I could impersonate Bono.
CLAIRE: You must get them checked and if need be...fixed. I see your future in music particularly singing....and in a genre you would least expect.
ME: Oh?
Yes please where do I sign....will they pay the $10K medical bills as well? She couldn't tell me the genre but she was on a roll.
CLAIRE: I see you singing for a number of bands and setting up your own on-line recording label.
Me and sales? You've got to be joking. I couldn't sell Holy Water to Catholics even if I tried. Bands on the other hand......I thought I'd left all of that behind....or it had left me behind.
The whales continue to moan and Claire slips in another hum. We are moving to the next level: PAST LIVES.
CLAIRE: You were a famous cabaret singer in the 30s.
Anyone I know?
CLAIRE: You sang in London, Paris and Berlin
What about Brisbane?
CLAIRE: But your career was cut short by the war.
There's always a catch.
CLAIRE: And you never returned to your former glory. To this day you are still looking for it.
That explains my signings of autographs with random strangers.
CLAIRE: That's all we have time for today. Do you have any questions?
ME: Yeah I do. Did my past life die or am I still alive?
C
4 comments:
This cracked me up big time. ROFL. What a funny story!!! And Claire sounded so dodogy!! :P
That's another hilarious story Colin! I'm afraid I'd be blocking her energy too - she doesn't sound that good. Keep the posts coming! You make me smile!
Yes ROFL = I have always thought it was nonsense - but my parents saw one soon after they were married and even tho the doctors had said they would be lucky [because of a medical conditon] to have one child, the clairvoyant told them three kids!! and 3 kids it was !
Like you, I am never one to want to find out what my future holds in store for me. I'll find that out tomorrow. Especially if they tell me I'll be dying. This was not a very productive session. And I hope your friend does not repeat the same mistake this November. That is unless CLAIRE told you that Bernice won't be your friend after something terrible happens in August. ;-)
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