I went home to Brisbane for the long weekend. It was nice and steamy with thunder storms breaking the afternoon sky every day I was there. I hadn’t been home in almost 6 months. It was nice to see Mum and Dad. For some reason this year I have found myself missing my parents more than I normally do…..not a childlike longing but more a wanting of their company; to hang out; to have late night yarns over toast with Dad or to take Mum to the movies or the theatre. Living down the road kind of stuff; stuff to be honest that I used to find a chore not that long ago. Maybe it’s because I’ve noticed my parents getting older and I can sense the gentle breeze of mortality brushing against my face; we don’t have forever left. Normally when offspring start feeling this way, they have offspring themselves. They generate their love into new life. Gay men generally don’t have that option. We buy houses, plants and pets. Or visit our nieces or nephews. Unfortunately I don’t have the later option and never will. My brother, my only sibling, is gay as well. So there are no grandchildren on the horizon for our clan and unless I win the lottery and I buy myself one, I doubt there will ever be one. All my cousins and all my friends are having babies. My brother and I are standing alone childless in a sea of maternity. Mum and Dad are the only non-grandparents out of their group of friends. It doesn’t seem to worry my brother much. He doesn’t want children and never has. I guess I’ve always wanted children but never thought it a possibility. I know there are certainly options for gay men but generally they involve part time fatherhood which is not for me. Maybe it’s this growing gap in my life left from being single or my lack of fatherhood or both that is pushing me to be closer to my parents emotionally and geographically. I’m beginning to worry about them in their big house; worry about them being on their own without myself or my brother nearby. Perhaps it’s a Catholic guilt thing that I’m not going to give them grandchildren; all I know is that it is the first time in a long time I’ve got back on the plane to Sydney and realised I didn’t actually want to come back.
Colin, I really love this post - it is so delicately sensitive. I got goosebumps reading it.
Just wondering - why is part time parenting not an option for you? For me, I don't even get involved with the parenting but that suits my lifestyle well. Sam and I are barely mature enough to look after ourselves, let alone someone else.
The good thing is - we can see the babies whenever we want and the girls want us to be part of the babies' lives.
I know different models work for different people but is a paradigm shift likely on the horizon?
Thanks Sunshine for your lovely comments! Yes I must admit I've been reading your experiences with Fatherhood and I think you've been very lucky with the girls. It certainly has made me more open to the possibility. I've had two mates in Sydney whose experiences haven't been as positive...which I guess has marked me slightly. I guess I would always be worried that I'd want more of my son or daughter than be could be given in such a siutation. We should talk about it one day!
Interesting post Colin: I am kind with Sunshine : most Dad's have to work so long in hours they are only 'part time Dad's' in any event and given so many str8 marriages fail the parntns often live spearately : so if you had kids some how it would not actually be all that different to many other family's lives.
My 2 teenagers want to see less of me not more !!
Certainly your reflections about life and ageing indicate a restlessness.
This sounds like a post I could have on my blog and just about everything you stated is the same. My oldest brother is also gay and the middle brother only had two daughters; so no carrying on of the family name.
Yours truly DOES live down the street from Mom and Dad and when I first moved here (7 years ago), it felt good and bad. Good that I was back where EVERYBODY knows your name and bad because EVERYBODY knows my name. It was good because if there were home problems, Dad was the one who could give the perfect DIY advice. But I also give up my privacy when Mom or Dad or both stop by unannounced.
But the worst thing that I came to realization, that you speak of as well, is that there is this mortality that is only a decade or less away. And I think that living so close to Mom and Dad and doing things with them on a regular basis has not allowed me to wane my feelings for them. My older brothers have lived away from home since college and the emotional "bond" that they each have with my parents is not as strong (I believe) as it is with me. So I am fearing going through terrible sorrow at their death. Whereas the older brothers haven't had as close a relationship for the last 20-25 years. Such is life. And the Catholic guilt is ALWAYS there.
5 comments:
Colin, I really love this post - it is so delicately sensitive. I got goosebumps reading it.
Just wondering - why is part time parenting not an option for you? For me, I don't even get involved with the parenting but that suits my lifestyle well. Sam and I are barely mature enough to look after ourselves, let alone someone else.
The good thing is - we can see the babies whenever we want and the girls want us to be part of the babies' lives.
I know different models work for different people but is a paradigm shift likely on the horizon?
Thanks Sunshine for your lovely comments! Yes I must admit I've been reading your experiences with Fatherhood and I think you've been very lucky with the girls. It certainly has made me more open to the possibility. I've had two mates in Sydney whose experiences haven't been as positive...which I guess has marked me slightly. I guess I would always be worried that I'd want more of my son or daughter than be could be given in such a siutation. We should talk about it one day!
Interesting post Colin: I am kind with Sunshine : most Dad's have to work so long in hours they are only 'part time Dad's' in any event and given so many str8 marriages fail the parntns often live spearately : so if you had kids some how it would not actually be all that different to many other family's lives.
My 2 teenagers want to see less of me not more !!
Certainly your reflections about life and ageing indicate a restlessness.
Fair enough. And yes, I'm more than happy to catch up and share our experience when you pop up to Brisbane next. Take care, Colin. :)
This sounds like a post I could have on my blog and just about everything you stated is the same. My oldest brother is also gay and the middle brother only had two daughters; so no carrying on of the family name.
Yours truly DOES live down the street from Mom and Dad and when I first moved here (7 years ago), it felt good and bad. Good that I was back where EVERYBODY knows your name and bad because EVERYBODY knows my name. It was good because if there were home problems, Dad was the one who could give the perfect DIY advice. But I also give up my privacy when Mom or Dad or both stop by unannounced.
But the worst thing that I came to realization, that you speak of as well, is that there is this mortality that is only a decade or less away. And I think that living so close to Mom and Dad and doing things with them on a regular basis has not allowed me to wane my feelings for them. My older brothers have lived away from home since college and the emotional "bond" that they each have with my parents is not as strong (I believe) as it is with me. So I am fearing going through terrible sorrow at their death. Whereas the older brothers haven't had as close a relationship for the last 20-25 years. Such is life. And the Catholic guilt is ALWAYS there.
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