Me; 7.15pm; Yesterday;Work ….Phone Rings:
Me: Hello Colin speaking
Caller: Hi it's Sandra from Billington calling.
Me: Hi Sandra
Sandra: I was wondering if you've got a moment to talk.
What about? Jesus? I'd had vague phone-calls all day from people who thought I had some sort of in-built telepathic device, which could automatically decipher who was calling and what the purpose of the call was. These calls were mainly from defendants I had prosecuted the week before……….calls that contained conversations like the following:
Caller: I just got a conviction letter in the mail. It says I was fined 5 thousand dollars.
Me: Yes that is the case; you were convicted in your absence and fined that amount.
Caller: Why?
Me: You received the Court Attendance Notice?
Caller: Yes
Me: What did the Court Attendance Notice say?
Caller: To attend court on Tuesday 14 October 2008
Me: Did you attend court on Tuesday?
Caller: No
Me: Hence you were convicted and fined in your absence
Caller: Why
Me: What don't you understand about a notice, which asks you to attend court?
Caller: I thought it was a joke.
Me: It wasn't.
Caller: It's not fair.
I'd had at least 20 similar such phone conversations equating a Court Attendance Notice to a Hallmark card by the time Sandra had called. So when she employed the "you obviously know who I am" method of phone conversation I jumped to the conclusion it was another Hallmark prankster:
Me: What was your name again?
Caller: Sandra
Me: Sandra ….. are u like Madonna?
Caller: What do you mean?
Me: Or Cher?
Caller: Sorry?
Me; Well if I am going to look up your court matter, I'm going to need a last name; unfortunately I've sold my crystal ball and won't be able to ascertain it without your assistance.
Caller: What court matter?
I was tired. I was wanting to go home. I was sick of stupid questions….in fact I was sick of questions in general.
Me: You've lost me……I'm gathering you're ringing regarding a court matter from last week.
Caller: No I'm calling about your CV which you sent to Billingtons last week….about work in London.
After I located my jaw somewhere between my dignity and my fax machine, I was able to resume a conversation with Sandra so much so she is still willing to meet with me when I am in London. But of course we all know what recruitment officers are like….they are hairdressers with laptops; willing to say anything to get you on their books and then moments later not even recognise you in the street.
And yes for the 1.8 persons who read this blog, I am off to the mother country for a month as of Saturday week….1 November. In typical Colin style, I am completely disorganised. At this stage it looks like a couple of weeks in London, a few days in Dublin then up to Edinburgh then a driving trip down to Cornwall (hopefully to see my great great grandfather's grave) and then some tripping around the south and onwards back to London. Nothing of course has been booked except the flight from Sydney to London. After much pulava of where and with whom I was going to stay with in London, I've decided to go the B&B option, which has required me to sell one of my kidneys but at least retain my peace of mind. Am I excited? I never am about these trips until I am getting on the damned plane. I am looking forward to seeing some old friends though and simply hanging out in London….something I've never done….it's always been in transit.
And now that Guy Ritchie is single….I intend to go and hang out his pub, get him blind drunk and take glorious advantage of him.
C
Me: Hello Colin speaking
Caller: Hi it's Sandra from Billington calling.
Me: Hi Sandra
Sandra: I was wondering if you've got a moment to talk.
What about? Jesus? I'd had vague phone-calls all day from people who thought I had some sort of in-built telepathic device, which could automatically decipher who was calling and what the purpose of the call was. These calls were mainly from defendants I had prosecuted the week before……….calls that contained conversations like the following:
Caller: I just got a conviction letter in the mail. It says I was fined 5 thousand dollars.
Me: Yes that is the case; you were convicted in your absence and fined that amount.
Caller: Why?
Me: You received the Court Attendance Notice?
Caller: Yes
Me: What did the Court Attendance Notice say?
Caller: To attend court on Tuesday 14 October 2008
Me: Did you attend court on Tuesday?
Caller: No
Me: Hence you were convicted and fined in your absence
Caller: Why
Me: What don't you understand about a notice, which asks you to attend court?
Caller: I thought it was a joke.
Me: It wasn't.
Caller: It's not fair.
I'd had at least 20 similar such phone conversations equating a Court Attendance Notice to a Hallmark card by the time Sandra had called. So when she employed the "you obviously know who I am" method of phone conversation I jumped to the conclusion it was another Hallmark prankster:
Me: What was your name again?
Caller: Sandra
Me: Sandra ….. are u like Madonna?
Caller: What do you mean?
Me: Or Cher?
Caller: Sorry?
Me; Well if I am going to look up your court matter, I'm going to need a last name; unfortunately I've sold my crystal ball and won't be able to ascertain it without your assistance.
Caller: What court matter?
I was tired. I was wanting to go home. I was sick of stupid questions….in fact I was sick of questions in general.
Me: You've lost me……I'm gathering you're ringing regarding a court matter from last week.
Caller: No I'm calling about your CV which you sent to Billingtons last week….about work in London.
After I located my jaw somewhere between my dignity and my fax machine, I was able to resume a conversation with Sandra so much so she is still willing to meet with me when I am in London. But of course we all know what recruitment officers are like….they are hairdressers with laptops; willing to say anything to get you on their books and then moments later not even recognise you in the street.
And yes for the 1.8 persons who read this blog, I am off to the mother country for a month as of Saturday week….1 November. In typical Colin style, I am completely disorganised. At this stage it looks like a couple of weeks in London, a few days in Dublin then up to Edinburgh then a driving trip down to Cornwall (hopefully to see my great great grandfather's grave) and then some tripping around the south and onwards back to London. Nothing of course has been booked except the flight from Sydney to London. After much pulava of where and with whom I was going to stay with in London, I've decided to go the B&B option, which has required me to sell one of my kidneys but at least retain my peace of mind. Am I excited? I never am about these trips until I am getting on the damned plane. I am looking forward to seeing some old friends though and simply hanging out in London….something I've never done….it's always been in transit.
And now that Guy Ritchie is single….I intend to go and hang out his pub, get him blind drunk and take glorious advantage of him.
C
6 comments:
Gur Ritchie is pretty cute, eh?
Sadly Madonna's brother said Guy is a very strong homophobe not homophile.
I love a challenge.
You can repay the courtesy in London by telephoning Sandra and introducing yourself as Colin. Just Colin a la Just Jack in Will and Grace.
Have a great trip and good luck with the job (if it's what you want).
Ahh yes, the stupid clients I deal with are similar...this was one recent one...
SC: Hello, I have been charged an "Overlimit fee" on my credit card. What is it for?
Me: Dunno, maybe because you were OVER THE STUPID LIMIT you half wit! (that's what I thought, not what I said)
Anyway, I feel for you most deeply! And am still very jealous of your holiday! You should try and meet up with Tequila Mockingbird while you're there.
And good luck with Sandra! :-) And Guy!!! ;-)
Yikes- this sounds like something that would have happened to yours truly. I mean, I only open my mouth to change feet.
And as for Guy Ritchie being straight- yes he is- straight to the nearest bloke- good luck!
Enjoy London. being a born and bred londoner I may be biased- But it's fucking brilliant.
T xx
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