I Beg Yours.....

Have you ever had one of those days where the world as you know it appears to be sucked into a black hole and suddenly the true reality is revealed? I think that happened to me today at work just after 5pm. I decided to leave early so I was packing my things and then bang! The news first came via an email and then confirmed in person by a particular colleague. The news and thus the realisation was like a bullet to my head. The moisture drained from my mouth, my gums started to ache and I developed an instant nauseous migraine. I still can't work out whether I was shocked by the actual news and the way in which this particular colleague delivered it or whether I was disappointed in myself for yet again ignoring my gut feeling when it comes to someone's true character; my gut feeling has never been proven to be wrong; it is always right. Yet I spend my entire life ignoring it.

I left work with my face plump with hot blood and that Ebola feeling where you think your organs are about to turn to liquid. As soon as I got in the door, I threw up. I then of course wanted my mother. I then realised of course she was 2000 kms away which lead me to realise how lonely I am which then led me to bursting into tears. Usually I feel a lot better after I have a cry but this time it seemed to make me more claustrophobic. I discarded my suit, brushed my teeth, chucked on some trackies and jumper, grabbed my joggers and walked out the door.
I spent the next four hours traipsing around the inner city launching a press conference of questions on myself. I was a high achiever for the first 17 years of my life; why have I spent the next 17 years simply passing? Passing everything literally; never fully participating; never fully committing; never making up my mind; remaining a spectator while waiting for that something to find me when in fact I should be doing the finding. My father always said to me in life stick to the middle of the road.....well I have taken it one step further and stuck to the middle of the roundabout and never left. I need to leave this roundabout.

All upheaval leads to good. Who said that? Anyway it works for me. As much as I am disappointed in the turn of events at work this afternoon whether it be in myself or my colleague or most likely both, it has cleared my mind. And I think it is time for a big change. A change that I saw coming but I think will be brought forward substantially. It will most likely lead to cancelling my holidays in November ( if I can still do that??) and bringing my other plans forward. This will depend on a couple of things falling into place in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned…..

I think this has been my most schizophrenic post yet. Can someone fetch me a pale of scotch?

C

PS : And no, I haven't been fired.

.....just don't ask