GIMME GIMME BRITNEY

Britney’s back. Do you think she’ll wash her hair this time? Lets hope.

Now to my hideous day at work yesterday; honestly after fighting all day in court I felt a lot like Britney in the adjacent pic except that I would never wear a hat after 5 nor present my pooch to the press wearing my discarded pantihose . I rarely talk about my job mainly because there is nothing much to talk about. It’s a “nice cup of tea and biscuit” public service lawyer job with pleasant people and pleasant carpet. If my job were a colour it would be beige….and if it were a clothing item….it would be a sensible beige blouse surrounded by beige soft furnishings with suitable beige sunsets. All of this beige of course adds up to it being dreadfully dull. That was my choice: I simply don’t have the brains or the care to be a highflying corporate lawyer, a hysterical trial attorney or a twisted litigator. I want a life where work can start at 9 and finish at 5 and I don’t have to allocate billable units to bowel movements As a result I am on half the salary than that of my law school mates and drive a car that has a cassette player. All good; I can cope with that. However the dullness every so often becomes a little too much to bare and I start disappearing amongst all the beige. But a day like yesterday comes along to wake you up from your dead letter office and remind you how much you don't miss anything exciting happening.

I work for a federal government agency as a prosecutor where my matters are simple strict liability summary prosecutions in the State Local Court. Most of the people I prosecute rarely appear for their court hearing; as a result, they are convicted in their absence. For my matters to proceed to convictions in the defendants’ absence, I have to show to the court that these defendants have been served with the Court Attendance Notices (CANS). Since the matters I prosecute are simple summary matters, defendants can be served with these CANs by way of post. I prove to the court that these CANs have been posted by producing affidavits of service affirmed by my secretary ….who actually does the posting Generally such an affidavit of service has satisfied the sitting magistrate that the CANs have been served……until yesterday.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade (this of course is not her real name) decided to throw the 200 prosecutions I had on the list into limbo when she questioned the validity of my affidavits of service. We had the following conversation:

Magistrate Lady Marmalade :
Mr C I have concerns about the validity of this affidavit of service?

John C (thinking fuck)
Yes Your Honour. What concerns do you have?

Magistrate Lady Marmalade
I have no idea how the Court Attendance Notice has reached this particular defendant.


John C (what? Fuck?)
Your Honour as the affidavit states my secretary, Ms *****, posted the Court Attendance Notice to the defendant.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade

Yes I can see that Mr C but it is not stated how the Court Attendance Notice was posted? Regulation 37 of the Local Court Rules states that their must be a description of how the Court Attendance Notice is posted.

John C (you’ve got to be fucking joking)

Your Honour I can inform you that postal process involves Ms ***** placing the Court Attendance Notice in an envelope, addressing that envelope with the defendant’s address and posting the said document.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade

Who does the posting? Where does it go from there?

John C (am I seriously having this conversation?)

My understanding Your Honour is that the mail is collected from my secretary, taken to the mail room and then delivered to Australia Post to distribute to the defendant.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade

That’s all very well Mr C but that is not stated in your secretary’s affidavit.

John C (is this really happening?)

Yes Your Honour I can see that but I would submit that the word “post” would infer a postal process that is known to the general community…that is….placing the said documents in the envelope, addressing the envelope and then employing Australia Post to distribute the said documents in the said envelope.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade

Mr C that may be case but such a process is not stipulated in your secretary’s affidavit as required by Rule 37.

John C (clasping at straws: give me a break lady)

Your Honour this affidavit is drafted from a pro-forma document sent to our office from your court registrar. Our office has been using the same affidavit pro-forma for the last seven years. There has never been any objection to that by Your Honour or any of your brother magistrates before.

Magistrate Lady Marmalade

Well Mr C I am objecting to it now. I will break for morning tea adjournment and deal with the matters where service has been acknowledged by the defendant.

John C (double triple fuck….acknowledged service?….the defendants would be here if they’d done that; oh no I wanted to be out of here by lunch)

It was a complete disaster and there was no scotch or disco lights involved. I wish there had been. I had 200 matters which were to proceed in the defendants’ absence which Lady Marmalade the Magistrate was now refusing to proceed with, due to the fact that she didn’t know how to post a postcard. It wasn’t the end of the world: I could simply adjourn the 200 matters to the next court date in a month and re-do the affidavits of service; however that was forgoing 100K worth of potential fines for the month of February which I would prefer not to…..it makes me look hopeless and incompetent and as much as don’t give a flying fang, I like to keep up appearances. Lady Marmalade came back from her lunch time adjournment:


Magistrate Lady Marmalade:

Yes Mr C

John C(I can’t believe I am asking for this)
:
Yes Your Honour. I am prepared to enter the witness box and give sworn evidence as to the postal procedures employed to serve the Court Attendance Notices on the said defendants. I would submit that such evidence would then satisfy the court that the Court Attendance Notices have been appropriately served.

Lady Marmalade allowed me to do this. I then jumped in the witness box, swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and then told Lady Marmalade the postal procedures of my employer. I have a degree in laws, a degree in business and almost completed my masters degree and here I am telling a woman dressed in a black robe (two sizes too big) with Marge Simpson hair how to post a letter. No wonder I drink. She accepted my evidence; however she made me repeat my evidence for each matter....effectively 100 times for 100 defendants. It was like being stuck in Ground Hog Day on crack. She convicted all my absent defendants giving me a record haul of fines. In the end I wish she had convicted me and given me the maximum sentence of 12 mths imprisonment. Although she probably wouldn't have accepted my service of my Court Attendance Notice on myself and adjourned the matter.

Now back to Britney. Is she dead yet? No but to more important news my float proposal to Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras has been approved! YAY! Yes with tick of a form and the payment of a 100 bucks Cindii and I have our very own Mardi Gras Float…………to be called…..The Gimme Gimme Britney Float…..a celebration of the walking car crash that is Britney Spears. Now we have the six incarnations of Britney organised; we’ve even got a Hummer for the parade…..just not quite sure what we’re doing with it. All we need now is Paparazzi to chase Britney…..so any of the three or four of you who read this know of anyone or you want to participate yourself, please let me know as we need to lock in numbers.

Here's to you Brits….

C