Exterminate ME

So yeah I got up before the crack of whatever to get to work early this morning so I could leave early to meet the fumigator at 3pm. My brother and I have five thousand cock roaches resident in our flat and it’s time for them to leave. They arrived about Two years ago with their children, caravans and cutlery via an abandoned refrigerator in flat number six. Flat number six was inhabited for six weeks by a hippie and her three yr old both of whom I’m sure carried nearly as many cockroaches as the fridge purely by way of their hair. Why do those who worship nature worship dreadlogs? Would you see a tree with dreadlogs? Would you see an endangered species with dreadlogs? No you wouldn’t because they’re dirty and they smell. Endangered species feel endangered enough let alone being rejected by their friends on the basis of their odour. And did dearest Emily have an odour. A mixture of mildew and nana’s old underpants. And of course pot. You can’t have a hippie without pot can you…what do you have….Peter Garrett?

Anyway you could smell Em and her little one, Fresh (ironically named; no I’m not joking) getting off the train ten ks away let alone entering the building. She was sweet though and we’d often exchange pleasantries about the weather and the price of poppy seed as I watched hair lice do the can the can on Fresh’s scalp.

One night there was a gigantic row between Em and her on-again off-again lover (shaved head: maybe that’s why it didn’t work); many tears, many “I’m sorry I ever came here’s, many “I’m packing the car, I’m leaving”s. And she did. We woke to find Flat Number 6 with the front door wide open and the keys thrown on the ground…….and a fridge suspiciously smug sitting in the middle of the living room. I don’t know whether Em seriously contemplated dragging a 6ft kelvinator down three flights of stairs and then thought better of it or the kelvinator never made it past the living room in the six weeks it was resident in the flat. I suspect the later.

Anyway, the agents were called and advised of the abandoned flat and indeed the abandoned Kelivinator. As the lucky agent and his assistant carried the fridge down the three flight of stairs, I could see scores and scores of cockroaches escaping its bowels. It was like watching a cockroach re-enactment of the sinking of the titanic……unfortunately without the frigid water. Had there been frigid water, they would be all dead. Instead there was warm subtropical January air to carry them on their merry way to freedom. Needless to say one week later we all realised (all 8 apartments) we had new flatmates and they weren’t paying rent.

Has there ever been a film made about cockroaches akin to say Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds? Or Arachnophobia? I don’t think there has been. Well my block of flats experienced the equivalent. I remember waking up early one morning before light reaching for my towel, thinking to myself, that’s funny, I thought that towel was white, switching on the light, looking at my towel swarming with thousands of roaches. I can’t remember much after then because I passed out. It was a complete nightmare.

An emergency body corporate meeting was called, a fumigator was summoned and we were all supposed to live happily ever after. Not quite. At first, like a cockroach holocaust, the roaches lay on their backs everywhere. Victory was ours and we could safely eat our cornflakes without being attacked by five thousand armed roaches wanting their breakfast. This lasted roughly four months and then they started appearing at first every so often and then with increasing frequency until the point where the fumigator was called in again. The same results; dead cockroaches standing falling mid-fight with spears in hand everywhere. We waited uneasily.

We had six months of freedom and then about a year ago, they started marching back in slowly but surely….you could almost hear them singing old war victory songs as they marched across the kitchen floor. We engaged with other residents and they didn’t seem to have a problem this time. Our enquiries were greeted with “Oh you must make sure you keep your place clean and wash all your plates and don’t leave food out”; this is all with a raised eyebrow pointed at myself and my brother on behalf of the fellow resident.

I confess, I have not been known in the past for my outstanding tidying habits. Unfortunately I wasn’t in class the day that God was handing out cleaning genes to the homosexuals. I was at the disco class.

So with that, my brother and I entered a new cleaning regime. We cleaned out the laundry, gutted the kitchen and threw out all my bartique shirts. We hired Steve the cleaner to do the flat every two weeks and we laid down new cockroach traps by Bagon (they made me vomit the first night, so I figured they must work). We sprayed and we bombed and we threw down roach powder.

After about a month, Steve had the place looking like an Ikea brochure. But still….the roaches marched on. It is always such a thrill making coffee in the morning, lifting the kettle and twenty or thirty roaches running out of the electrical unit as you go to pour the water. Always a great touch particularly if you were making breakfast for a “friend” and they’re sitting at the table being entertained by roaches doing Olympic opening ceremony style manoeuvres on the kitchen floor. And I wonder why they never call.

So this has continued on for another year. Steve keeps coming religiously every two weeks. We never leave laundry out, we never leave food out…Christ I’m too scared to leave myself out, for fear that it might encourage another village of roaches into the hood. But alas they keep coming.

I laid down a new “extra strength” roach powder before we went away for a month in Thailand. No one stayed while we were here. I hoped and prayed that perhaps this new powder would do the trick. Who was I kidding??? They had a welcoming committee set up at the door as we arrived. The powder was like candy to them. They loved it; made them bigger and better.



So last week, I decided it was time for further action; this time hopefully with a fumigator who knew what he was doing. I was recommended a company from a colleague at work who’d had a similar problem and this company seem to succeed in getting rid of the roaches. Therefore I booked the company for today. 150 bucks. I asked my brother to run the cost via the strata representative in our block to see if we could get some contribution to the cost; I wasn’t expecting full payment but considering the problem had been caused by an outside incident; perhaps 50 bucks. Find following the email transcript:

The first email is from my brother Shamus to our body corporate representative who obviously is a resident in the building.

W,
Just a quick email query. Not too sure if you are in the country or overseas.
John and I have arranged to have unit 8 fumigated again at 4pm on Wednesday 16 January 2008. Unfortunately the cockroach situation has worsened.
Is it possible for the body corporate to cover the cost of this wholly or partly or did we need to use a preferred fumigator?
The current fumigator was recommended to us by work colleagues as being the best for the particular cockroaches we have.
Regards
S

W then responds

Hi Shamus
Sorry to hear the cockroaches are a problem again – the only way the Owners Corp can cover the cost is if the same offer is made to all units. It would be better at this stage for you to leave tomorrow’s arrangement in place and I will discuss with Warwick and Steven the best approach regarding payment and the rest of the building.
Cheers
W
I then put my 2 cents in:

Hi W, To be quite honest the cockroach situation has never gone away. We have tried everything from new cockroach bait to a new type of cockroach powder and the situation has got worse; not better. There is obviously a nest somewhere under or in our apartment. It's just got to the point where it is embarrassing when you have people over for dinner and 50 cockroaches come out to do the highland fling in front of your guests. It's such a great look.....not! The name of the pest company is Amalgamated Pest Control: telephone no. 87871111. The price is $154 and comes with a 12 month guarantee. However they did suggest if the infestation is large (as it appears to be) there may need to be a second treatment which would attract another payment of $154. I don't care how much it costs as long as the problem is solved! The firm comes recommended from a colleague of mine at work who had a similar problem in her block of flats at Alexandria. They use a gell to go around the skirt boards, sinks, plumbing etc. Anyway we would be grateful Wendy if the strata could contribute to the costs: I don't expect full payment but a contribution would be greatly appreciated. Kind regards, J

W then for some reason forwards our emails not only to the Strata manager but also to a tenant in number 9 who is married to the person C, who owns the flat; the tenant is not even a part own of the flat; obviously I can’t reveal his name but for the purposes of this blog lets just call him cuntfacewhodoesn’townnumber9

This is cuntfacewhodoesn’townnumber9’s response to our request for payment:

Hi all, as a general principle I do not believe any costs incurred by residents for any activity taking place within their own units should be borne by the Body Corporate. It is not common property and does not concern other residents. Cockroaches have always been present in the building and each resident should take their own action to deal with the problem. I have rarely, if ever, seen a cockroach on common property. They will seek an environment which allows them to survive. C (cuntacewhodoesn’townnumber9’s ever suffering partner; she’s lovely but suffers from depression…I wonder why) is obsessive about cockroaches and spends considerable time, effort and money cleaning, spraying and placing baits everywhere in the unit. She has been largely successful in getting rid of them, but we still get the odd one, particularly now the hot, humid weather is here. We never leave dishes in the sink overnight or when we go out, and C keeps the place scrupulously clean at all times. Each resident needs to be vigilant and take all measures to keep the cockys away. In short, I do not support Body Corporate funds for this purpose. Regards
cuntfacewhodoesn’townnumber9

Well I couldn’t resist a response…..

Thanks cuntfacewhodoesn’townnumber9
If it's any consolation, we have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight and we clean our dishes. We're very post-modern, we have a dishwasher. I even wash myself sometimes but usually I just throw myself in the washing machine. I love the taste of OMO in the morning. There are still cockroaches in the building on our side; particularly late at night near the greenery and up the stairs. But yes I concede the infestation (or concentration) seems to be in our apartment; particularly coming out of the plumbing. Now my understanding was the body corporate paid for the last fumigation due to refrigerator full of cockroaches that was left in number 6. Now I don't know, perhaps it’s our friendly disposition or Mr & Mrs Lopez has scared them away, but the roaches have now settled down our end of the building and particularly our apartment. It's a problem that my brother and I have been dealing with for at least the last year. And we're well and truly sick of it. Ever since we've been in the apartment, we have laid baits, laid a special roach powder, sprayed (to carcinogenic levels), steam cleaned the carpets, re-surfaced the pantry and kept the place meticulously clean. The cockroaches are getting worse not better. We had both been overseas a month in November/December and came home to a not quite empty house; the place was swarming with cockroaches. But then again.....maybe it's our resident poltergeist up to tricks. I shouldn't be calling the fumigator; I should be calling the local priest.

Kind regards,

J

I simply can’t wait to run into cuntfacewhodoesn’townnumber9 at the recycling bin where he will ignore me as he normally does. The man has lived in the block for three years and not once has he responded to my good mornings, how’s it goings or nice weather hey’s. The man is so grumpy he makes Adolf Hitler sound like Lucille Ball. No wonder we never see poor C; she’s too busy cleaning trying to keep the five thousand cockroaches in her apartment at bay in an effort to appease his delusion that there are no cockroaches.

But hey the story doesn’t end there.

So I have an uber productive day at work until about 2.30 when I leave to go meet the fumigator at my place who is supposed to be arriving any time after three.

Drop by Coles on the way to train to pick up some new moisturizer and new shavers…..due to the fact that my shavers I have at home are now so over used that I gave myself a mini skin graft when I shaved this morning. Half my tan is now missing. Anyhoo. Purchase said product; jump on train.

Catch train to Newtown where I have parked the car. Get off train; start walking along Enmore road look down in my hands and realize I have my book and nothing else; yes folks the absent minded professor strikes again: John has left all twenty plus new shavers and moisturizing cream on said train….said 30 bucks flown out the window. An ex of mine used to say I was the biggest clutz in the world and I seem to prove him right more and more as I get older. I used to feel sorry for my grandfather when I was boy as I watched him leave books, keys, cars and sometimes his wife in various strange locales. At least he was 77. I’m 33. So as I had a Rain Man style “when are u going to stop being a fuckwit” attack on myself I finally made it to my car. Jump in my car….letting the catastrophe go….look to my left….see piece of paper flapping in the breeze outside…pick up piece of paper…..$185 fine; for parking within ten metres of the curb? When did it become ten metres? I thought it was five. Ten is half way down the fucking street. All I can say to this is VOMIT! I’ve had so many fucking parking fines in the last year, I may as well just open direct debit account with NSW State Revenue. Stuff it, the price of fuel at the moment anyway (here comes $2 a litre) and the lack of any type of parking space in inner Sydney, I may as well buy a bloody horse!

Am over it…..further update on the weekend.

C

PS: THE FUCKING FUMIGATOR NEVER CAME !!!!!!! DOUBLE VOMIT!!!