Well it's been quite some time since I've blogged on TMC. I ended it in February then came back briefly in April then let it go again. I actually set up a new blog but then didn't touch it. Lately I've been having the urge to write again. I keep wanting to get started on that ever illusive novel but then the giganticism (...put that in ya dictionary) of such a project has seemed too much and I've turned to another bottle of wine and gone to bed. I've never been one for determination. The day that ambition was being handed out, I was at the pub. So an update in the world of Colin.....
Well 2009 has been quite a year. I've experienced the highest of highs and taken a roadtrip through rockbottom....they've got lots of cheap drinks down there. The best way to cover the last 7 mths is via a checklist.....
1. Feb/March: Frenchi comes for two weeks. We have the most amazing time. I fall completely and deeply in love. I've never been to this place before. It is trully wonderful. He's the bloke I've been looking for all my life. I don't want him to leave. We both cry at the airport. I think I'm going to be alright but as soon as I lose sight of him, I'm terrified. Is this too good to be true?
2. April : split my calf muscle in half whilst training at bootcamp. That was fun. I was told I was going to be on crutches for two months. I threw the crutches away ten days later but haven't been able to run properly for anything more than two minutes since which on one hand is superb but not so great for the waist line. My brother came out to my parents which was a great relief but also rather heartwrenching. Change is good but it also hurts.
3. May: I finally make the decision to make the move to the UK. I get permission to take a year off my job in Oz and book the flight to the UK in September. I'm excited but questioning everything from what I'm doing to my friendships to my relationships. The long distance love affair with Frenchi starts to take its toll. I'm tired and stressed and want him next to me. My brain can understand but my heart has other ideas....
4. June: Frenchi indicates that he may not be able to make it out to Oz in July as originally planned.I try to be cool about but find it hard to handle. I've never been so in love with someone in my life and my desire to see him is crushing. I suggest coming over for a quick visit in July and he baulks. It's like a truck driving straight through me. He is renovating his house which has taken all his money and he's changing jobs and not sure whether he is doing the right thing. He's stressed and finding everything too much. I'm right there with him. Am shutting up shop and moving my whole life to another country. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I doing it? He's starts to shut off and my heart over-rules my head. We have a huge fight and I have a melt down. I panic....I try to second guess him and call it off.....of course not really wanting to do that but thinking that I'm beating him to the punch. He freaks out. Says he needs time to think. That truck keeps driving and then reversing.
5. July is awful. All I can think about his him. For six months we've talked nearly every day and suddenly he is not there on the other end of the phone. It's like half of me is cut off. He has a month with his family in France. We text but don't talk. I get asked out on a date by a hot guy I meet at the train station. I go on the date. It makes everything worse because hot guy is everything Frenchi ain't. Hot guy asks me home............I can't do it.
6. August. 6 weeks til I leave for the UK. There is so much to organise....my flat, job, job in the uk, savings, friends.....but all I can do is think about him. I go to my cousin's wedding in Brisbane. A is marrying his lifelong partner N. They've been together for 8 years. They met in London. N has moved his life to Brisbane to be with A. A is my only gay cousin. The wedding is beautiful on the beach at Redcliffe with the sun setting. Lots of friends and family I've not seen in a long time. It is also the first time my brother, parents and I are all in the same room together since my bro came out. It's heartfelt but hard. I can feel my parents' pain. I miss Frenchi more. I ring him. We chat for an hour. I feel like I'm home in his voice.It's like what it was in the beginning. We're back on track. I feel relieved but my second voice keeps asking.....is this too good to be true?
7. The end of August. Frenchi and I have fallen back off track again....this time completely. He's becoming more aloof on the phone. I can't work out what's going on. I freak out again and have a crack at him. He says he can't do it anymore. I'm devastated. I leave in two weeks. I ask him just to wait until I get there. He stays silent. Please wait Mr. Still silence. I hope he holds on. He goes to California for two weeks for a wedding. I miss him but I'm too busy to think about it.
8. September. I have a series of going aways culiminating in a big party at the Green Park the week before I leave. It is trully wonderful to realise how many great mates I have. I'm blessed...still terrified though....no job lined up and my heart hanging on a cliff.
9. 14 September. Brisbane International Airport. My parents, bro and I. It's a strange experience because I actually don't cry and nor does my Mum. My mum and I always cry....from spilt milk to The Thorn Birds. Ironically its my father and brother who are crying . I remain as if I'm an extra off Prisoner. I alight the 747 and take a deep breath. What am I doing?
to be continued....
Well 2009 has been quite a year. I've experienced the highest of highs and taken a roadtrip through rockbottom....they've got lots of cheap drinks down there. The best way to cover the last 7 mths is via a checklist.....
1. Feb/March: Frenchi comes for two weeks. We have the most amazing time. I fall completely and deeply in love. I've never been to this place before. It is trully wonderful. He's the bloke I've been looking for all my life. I don't want him to leave. We both cry at the airport. I think I'm going to be alright but as soon as I lose sight of him, I'm terrified. Is this too good to be true?
2. April : split my calf muscle in half whilst training at bootcamp. That was fun. I was told I was going to be on crutches for two months. I threw the crutches away ten days later but haven't been able to run properly for anything more than two minutes since which on one hand is superb but not so great for the waist line. My brother came out to my parents which was a great relief but also rather heartwrenching. Change is good but it also hurts.
3. May: I finally make the decision to make the move to the UK. I get permission to take a year off my job in Oz and book the flight to the UK in September. I'm excited but questioning everything from what I'm doing to my friendships to my relationships. The long distance love affair with Frenchi starts to take its toll. I'm tired and stressed and want him next to me. My brain can understand but my heart has other ideas....
4. June: Frenchi indicates that he may not be able to make it out to Oz in July as originally planned.I try to be cool about but find it hard to handle. I've never been so in love with someone in my life and my desire to see him is crushing. I suggest coming over for a quick visit in July and he baulks. It's like a truck driving straight through me. He is renovating his house which has taken all his money and he's changing jobs and not sure whether he is doing the right thing. He's stressed and finding everything too much. I'm right there with him. Am shutting up shop and moving my whole life to another country. Am I doing the right thing? Why am I doing it? He's starts to shut off and my heart over-rules my head. We have a huge fight and I have a melt down. I panic....I try to second guess him and call it off.....of course not really wanting to do that but thinking that I'm beating him to the punch. He freaks out. Says he needs time to think. That truck keeps driving and then reversing.
5. July is awful. All I can think about his him. For six months we've talked nearly every day and suddenly he is not there on the other end of the phone. It's like half of me is cut off. He has a month with his family in France. We text but don't talk. I get asked out on a date by a hot guy I meet at the train station. I go on the date. It makes everything worse because hot guy is everything Frenchi ain't. Hot guy asks me home............I can't do it.
6. August. 6 weeks til I leave for the UK. There is so much to organise....my flat, job, job in the uk, savings, friends.....but all I can do is think about him. I go to my cousin's wedding in Brisbane. A is marrying his lifelong partner N. They've been together for 8 years. They met in London. N has moved his life to Brisbane to be with A. A is my only gay cousin. The wedding is beautiful on the beach at Redcliffe with the sun setting. Lots of friends and family I've not seen in a long time. It is also the first time my brother, parents and I are all in the same room together since my bro came out. It's heartfelt but hard. I can feel my parents' pain. I miss Frenchi more. I ring him. We chat for an hour. I feel like I'm home in his voice.It's like what it was in the beginning. We're back on track. I feel relieved but my second voice keeps asking.....is this too good to be true?
7. The end of August. Frenchi and I have fallen back off track again....this time completely. He's becoming more aloof on the phone. I can't work out what's going on. I freak out again and have a crack at him. He says he can't do it anymore. I'm devastated. I leave in two weeks. I ask him just to wait until I get there. He stays silent. Please wait Mr. Still silence. I hope he holds on. He goes to California for two weeks for a wedding. I miss him but I'm too busy to think about it.
8. September. I have a series of going aways culiminating in a big party at the Green Park the week before I leave. It is trully wonderful to realise how many great mates I have. I'm blessed...still terrified though....no job lined up and my heart hanging on a cliff.
9. 14 September. Brisbane International Airport. My parents, bro and I. It's a strange experience because I actually don't cry and nor does my Mum. My mum and I always cry....from spilt milk to The Thorn Birds. Ironically its my father and brother who are crying . I remain as if I'm an extra off Prisoner. I alight the 747 and take a deep breath. What am I doing?
to be continued....
