Jesus, Joan and Daphne

Call the police…..someone stole my Easter break. Honestly where did it go? I am so exhausted. I need a break to get over the break. Most of the weekend was spent preparing food for the ten (which turned out to be 13…I seriously can't count) people I had for Easter Lunch on Sunday. Good Friday was really the only day I relaxed. My brother was the Good Son and went home to see Mum and Dad in Brisbane for the weekend whereas I was the Bad Son and stayed at home…..mainly because I left booking my flight to too late and couldn't get a return flight to Brisbane for under 500 dollars; no thanks! Besides, I felt like having the place to myself for a few days.

So Good Friday, I had a personal training session with Ray at 9am. Normally we train at Sydney Park outdoors but when I looked out the rain drizzling down my bedroom window, I thought no-way-jose is that going to happen. I texted Ray and advised that I wasn't going to train in the rain (nothing would surprise me; Ray's a trainer in the army; he would train in an earthquake if he had to). Ray rang back and said that when it rains he takes his clients to the gym at the Victoria Army Barracks on Oxford Street at Paddington. I so much wanted him to cancel so I could curl up with Bette and Joan (The Divine Feud) and snooze the rest of the day, but alas I took myself out into the drizzle and made my way across town to Victoria Barracks. I've only ever seen the sandstone walls of the Barracks; I've never been behind them before. It's quite ornate; a step back in time to convict days; beautiful early 19th century sandstone buildings and manicured lawns. The gym is located in what used to be a ballroom. It is massive and very well equipped ….and that's just the men. The place was pretty much empty except for these two lads who resembled Porn Idol entrants; shaved heads, guns for arms, footy shorts, bonds singlets and the obligatory tattoos. There are going to be so many old people with wrinkly tattoos in 60 years time. I don't intend to be one of them. Still the Porn Idols provided great assistance in the adrenaline department. It was the first time I'd done a weights session with Ray and I needed all the assistance I could get. He killed me. My biceps were still burning three days later not to mention my legs, my shoulders and my chest.

Following my session with Ray, I popped over to Judy's at Potts Point for a breakfast of coffee and cigarettes. See how I always have to achieve a perfect balance in my life; personal training session: v. healthy; coffee and cigarettes with Judy : v. unhealthy: it all balances out…..ya ya ya. After two hours of talking about celebrities as if we knew them in between long sighs and "where are our gold logies?", I went home and baked a salmon mornay. You can take the boy out of Catholicism but you can't take the Catholic out of the boy…..no pun intended. My family has always eaten salmon mornay on Good Friday respecting the Catholic Church's no meat policy on the day that Jesus got nailed. I continue the tradition. Once I'd put the mornay in the oven, I sat down for an hour of power with Bette and Joan. The more I read about Joan Crawford, the more I like her. She was hysterical: slept with everything that moved and loved making an entrance:
'Even in her bath, Joan Crawford looked as if she were about to make a public appearance, just in case a crowd happened to drop by'.

I've dated guys like her. I have a whole new curiosity for her films now. Apart from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane (the only picture she did with Bette Davis), I've never seen a Joan Crawford film…….and I really can't count Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford in the camp classic Mommie Dearest. I predict a few Crawford orders being made through Amazon in the not too distant future.

Judy called around 6pm and announced that he was coming over. I advised he would arrive just in time for fresh mornay. I asked him to bring back my copy of Some Like It Hot and we could watch that whilst consuming. Some Like It Hot is still the funniest film of all time. Made in 1959 and set in the 30s, starring Tony Curtis and Jack Lemmon as two muso's who witness a mob killing in Chicago and go undercover as "Geraldine" and "Daphne" in an all girl big band playing at a beach side resort in Florida. It also starred Marilyn Monroe as Sugar (enough said). I have seen the film countless times and I never cease to roll around the floor in stitches. It was the first time however, Judy had seen it and it was like watching it for the first time all over again. We laughed so much that it took us about four hours to watch due to constantly rewinding and replaying particular scenes. My favourite scene is still where the naughty old millionaire is enquiring of "Daphne" how she plays the boofiddle:

Naughty Old Millionaire: And what instrument do you play?
Daphne : BOOfiddle!
Naughty Old Millionaire: On nice. Do you pluck it?
Daphne: Yeeeessss…..but mostly I SLAP it!